My life in the last few months has been a blog waiting to happen... I am sure there will be many to follow but tonight I am going to focus on the torture I just endured.
Now I know what your thinking... Did she get a flat in the rain? Did she buy the wrong hair color? No... these would have been a walk in the park compared to what I just did.
I BAKED SUGAR COOKIES! Ya that's right... Sugar cookies! Now don't let the name sugar cookies fool you like it did me. There is nothing sweet about these demons on the bakery world. If fact I am a little ticked off that they always feature sugar cookies as such fun and inviting little treats. Always a Santa face or a cute little heart.... Mmmmhmmm you know Betty Croker must have dropped some serious dough (pun defiantly intended) on their marketing to hide how cruel these little bad boys are.
Just to be clear,this is not my first time to bake... But it was my first time to back sugar cookies without any supervision. Ummm if you would have told me that the one of the ingredients was superglue then i might have been a little more understanding as to why the dough stuck to EVERYTHING! Or the fact that it practically takes an entire tube of butter to make them. And here I always thought sugar cookies were better for you because they didn't have chocolate chips in them... WRONG! Seriously they are like a case of diabetes waiting to happen.
The dough was a consistency I had never seen before. It was impossible to handle, the directions mocked me only including three steps... Umm really Betty Crocker what is this iron chef? Why was there no step on how to get the clogs of sugar cement off my blender, or how I am supposed to make little teaspoons size balls out a mass that engulfs my spoon? Or a little warning on then top of bag that says "this will literally get everywhere!" Ya get serious!
After I finally got my "no where close to picture looking" huge balls of a mess on my cooking sheet i placed them into the oven and let them be... After 15 minutes later I look into the oven to discover practically one large giant cookie fom hell. AWESOME!
It gets better! I decided since I was baking why not go all and throw in a little icing and sprinkles to the mix. BIG MISTAKE! If cookies are the demons of the baking world then that would make sprinkles the herpes of the kitchen! That stuff literally gets everywhere. I can guarantee that I will be finding sprinkles in my kitchen for months to come. Ohhh and a side note that wouldn have been helpful to know... Apparently there is a like a .05 second window from the time you put on the frosting to when you add the sprinkles. Heaven forbid you frost all of the cookies unsuccessfully and then try to add sprinkles. It looks like an atomic bomb of multi colored balls exploded all up on my counters.
The frosting was another story... Literally the most stressful act of the whole ordeal. The cookies on the package must have been photoshopped because seriously how is that even humanly possible. I am dreading the future school bake sales my children will have because they will be those kids that bring the packaged cookies from Wal-mart because there mother might have an anxiety attack when she sees sprinkles and frosting.
I finally managed to make one cookie look pretty good and then as fate would have it... I dropped that cookie on the floor... Icing side down.
Now I know that many people find baking relaxing or even therapeutic but not this girl. In fact many of the things people call hobbies are anxiety attacks waiting to happen... Sewing... No... Gardening... Absolutely not... Walks in tall grass... Forget about it. Hey it's my cross to bare. Baking sugar cookies is now on the list.
In summary, don't be fooled of the little trickers of the treat aisle. They are nothing but a load of sweet misery. And that my friends is the way the cookie crumbles.
You have been warned!
