It Ain't Easy Being Wheezy!!!

Lately I have had time to do a lot of reading... on Facebook... I know what your thinking... Facebook doesn't count... but in my world the only book I read is Facebook (well except the Bible... Shout out to my Savior.. WHAT UP!) Anyway I have been noticing tons of people are getting sick... everything from sore throats to tummy aches... No fun... 

All these "ailments" got me thinking of my illnesses I have endured in my 23 years and how they have made me who I am today. You see I may have been blessed with a "FIVE" head (Yes.. you read that right... My forehead is so large it takes five fingers to cover it... thus the "five"head was created) or even a nose that has no true practical use which as led me to become a mouth breather out of pure survival need. But the one thing I did not receive was a the gift of a great immune system.

I have Asthma. I know most of you actually picture a partially overweight kid sitting on the sidelines sucking on an inhaler, breathing like a pug when you think Asthmatic 7 year old Kelsey and for the most part you are correct. Except in my case I was lucky enough to be raised in beautiful West Texas where the wind and dust stir up the fun things like Black Lung and Tuberculosis so I was always found "chillin" with the older kids in my mother's classroom. See I couldn't "play" outside in the wind because about 10 minutes into it I would be laying on the ground gasping for air like a fat little fish out of water. Nemo had his special fin... I guess I had my special lung...

Now don't let this Asthma thing fool you... I was like the coolest wheezing kid around... I had a sweet inhaler, a portable breathing machine and my mom even took me to Dillard's one time to find a sweet cosmetic bag for the meds... ya.. jealous yet?

The time I got to spend inside with those pre-pubescent years led me to who I am today... I developed an unnatural love affair with school supplies and organization (yes I do obsessively buy storage magazines and yes I would probably need an inhaler if I walked into a container store), I   totally was able to find the "snack drawer" Mrs. Leventhal hid (hello childhood obesity) and most importantly I had time to develop my sense of humor. Ya that's right... when all the other "athletic" kids were outside practicing those kick-ball skills I was inside working on my sweet jokes.

My health history isn't just limited to my asthma experiences... I have been blessed numerous times... I can't forget the time I was pushed out of the back of truck into an ant-bed and broke my arm... or the time I went in to get a shot for the common cold and was called 45 minutes later by the doctor himself to say "Ughh sorry Ms. Carlile we had a mix up with your chart... I am going to need you to come in and get an Epi-Pen because you may or may not go into anaphylactic shock shortly!" AHHH GOOD TIMES!

You see when you live in my world... any illness can turn into something BIG... when everyone else gets the flu... Your girl gets Mad Cow Disease. When everyone else gets a sunburn that peels in a few days... I have an allergic reaction to the sun resulting in SECOND-DEGREE Burns (ex. Family Camping Trip of 2010). The list goes on and on... You name... I have probably had it... Toothpick in the belly that went unnoticed by my mother for years... CHECK... An arm broken while walking around in my mother's heels that I had to make a makeshift bandage for... CHECK... 

4 dry-sockets after my wisdom teeth removal after being prescribed medication that landed me in the ER... CHECK...

I am a lucky girl... what can I say. As for all of my Facebook friends that have fallen ill... sorry and I hope you feel better soon... but look at the bright side... you could always have a chunk of skin ripped off by an industrial grade sticker that results in a staph infection on your face...

So until then... go get some Ny-Quil, curl up in a snuggie and read my blog... They always say Laughter is the Best Medicine and I can a test to that... It has cured me so far :)

This is Mrs. Stell saying "It ain't easy being wheezy!"

Robbed at Birth!

If you know me, or have ever heard me tell a story you have probably heard "I WAS ROBBED" come out of my mouth a few hundred times. Now I have never been truly "robbed" by a large man with a ski mask (although my iPhone was jacked from my purse the first week I bought it... Son of a...) but  anyway... to understand my "I WAS ROBBED" outlook on life I am going to take you back to the very beginning... (Cue Cheesy "Drifitng Back" music and some soft of wave effect)

It all started on March 22, 1987. You see I wasn't really supposed to be born that day, but my mom thought it would be "sweet" if I was born the day my Great-Great Grandmother turned 100. (So please note... that before I even came out of the womb I was already having to share something... in this case not only "MY" birthdate but the spotlight... the woman turned 100 for crying out loud... how do you compete with that.) 

Hearing all this "in utero" I probably was a bit pissed and already a tad bit dramatic so what did I do to teach my parents a lesson... ohh what any baby robbed of the spotlight would do... I pulled my my umbilical cord and wrapped it real tight around my neck. 

Turns out that wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do seconds before I had to take my first breath as a human because I came out all blue and not breathing which then led to the doctors telling my father to turn off the video camera. GREAT... the "Pilot Episode" of my life gets cut because my grand idea to prank everyone went horribly wrong.

After giving everyone a good scare... I survived and thus began the pre pages of the life story of Kelsey Lynn Carlile.

Now from the infancy to now I have been blessed with a few distinctive qualities. Sure everyone has them... Kim K has her butt, Angie has her lips... But yours truly was blessed with a bounty of  distinctive traits.

Lets start from the top, some women have earned the label "top heavy" because of there large upper-chest, in my world I earned the "top heavy" title by having an extremely large, baby genius sized head. I like to think it is because I am just so smart I needed to have extra room for my brain but in all seriousness my parents really should have gotten that thing checked. Which leads to something my parents overlooked...my face.

I have this uncanny ability to have my face go on "screensaver" mode where I look partially mentally challenged. Which has now affected my life because I can not have any "candid" pictures taken of me... (Ya those are always fun to be tagged in on Facebook)

Moving on... another blessing God bestowed my body with at birth was "crazy legs". My mother has told me that my legs where "always" in a frog-like position when I was little that she had to put diapers around my legs to keep them straight... fast forward 20 something years and you know have a woman with legs that looked like they have been switched. Sure I can do mean stanky leg... but trying to find skinny jeans that "accentuate" the curve... GOOD LUCK.

The list goes on and on... I have everything from a crooked Dick Cheany smile to an extremely high butt crack... Sure I may have been dealt the "scraps" of the gene pool but I think I have grown into my looks and now I get to share all of these blessings with you.

Finishing up this post, I hope my "I WAS ROBBED" mentality is catching on with all you readers... which I sure will be only a handful but I have always said "more than a handfull is a waste"... I was usually referring to the small breast I was blessed with but I feel the same advice lends itself to my blog too.

:) Until next time... This is Mrs. Stell signing off.