Nothing Sweet About It!

My life in the last few months has been a blog waiting to happen... I am sure there will be many to follow but tonight I am going to focus on the torture I just endured.

Now I know what your thinking... Did she get a flat in the rain? Did she buy the wrong hair color? No... these would have been a walk in the park compared to what I just did.

I BAKED SUGAR COOKIES! Ya that's right... Sugar cookies! Now don't let the name sugar cookies fool you like it did me. There is nothing sweet about these demons on the bakery world. If fact I am a little ticked off that they always feature sugar cookies as such fun and inviting little treats. Always a Santa face or a cute little heart.... Mmmmhmmm you know Betty Croker must have dropped some serious dough (pun defiantly intended) on their marketing to hide how cruel these little bad boys are.

Just to be clear,this is not my first time to bake... But it was my first time to back sugar cookies without any supervision. Ummm if you would have told me that the one of the ingredients was superglue then i might have been a little more understanding as to why the dough stuck to EVERYTHING! Or the fact that it practically takes an entire tube of butter to make them. And here I always thought sugar cookies were better for you because they didn't have chocolate chips in them... WRONG! Seriously they are like a case of diabetes waiting to happen.

The dough was a consistency I had never seen before. It was impossible to handle, the directions mocked me only including three steps... Umm really Betty Crocker what is this iron chef? Why was there no step on how to get the clogs of sugar cement off my blender, or how I am supposed to make little teaspoons size balls out a mass that engulfs my spoon? Or a little warning on then top of bag that says "this will literally get everywhere!" Ya get serious!

After I finally got my "no where close to picture looking" huge balls of a mess on my cooking sheet i placed them into the oven and let them be... After 15 minutes later I look into the oven to discover practically one large giant cookie fom hell. AWESOME!

It gets better! I decided since I was baking why not go all and throw in a little icing and sprinkles to the mix. BIG MISTAKE! If cookies are the demons of the baking world then that would make sprinkles the herpes of the kitchen! That stuff literally gets everywhere. I can guarantee that I will be finding sprinkles in my kitchen for months to come. Ohhh and a side note that wouldn have been helpful to know... Apparently there is a like a .05 second window from the time you put on the frosting to when you add the sprinkles. Heaven forbid you frost all of the cookies unsuccessfully and then try to add sprinkles. It looks like an atomic bomb of multi colored balls exploded all up on my counters.

The frosting was another story... Literally the most stressful act of the whole ordeal. The cookies on the package must have been photoshopped because seriously how is that even humanly possible. I am dreading the future school bake sales my children will have because they will be those kids that bring the packaged cookies from Wal-mart because there mother might have an anxiety attack when she sees sprinkles and frosting.

I finally managed to make one cookie look pretty good and then as fate would have it... I dropped that cookie on the floor... Icing side down.

Now I know that many people find baking relaxing or even therapeutic but not this girl. In fact many of the things people call hobbies are anxiety attacks waiting to happen... Sewing... No... Gardening... Absolutely not... Walks in tall grass... Forget about it. Hey it's my cross to bare. Baking sugar cookies is now on the list.

In summary, don't be fooled of the little trickers of the treat aisle. They are nothing but a load of sweet misery. And that my friends is the way the cookie crumbles.

You have been warned!

My Not So "Amazing Jump"

Being new to San Antonio has been an adjustment. Becoming a good wife - easy (I'm awesome!). Learning how to cook - took a bit, but Seth's eating. Finding couple friends - WAY HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

When we first got to San Antonio, we were just enjoying our time with each other and settling in. It wasn't too long before I started getting a little stir crazy in the social department and was ready to have some social interactions. We had been attending Community Bible Church for a few weeks and met a great couple named Josh and Kelly. They were fun, young, and married. We hit it off and Seth and I were stoked when they asked us out for a double date. Here is where things got a little tricky...

See Josh and Kelly had previously gone to a little place called "Amazing Jump" on a date night and asked us if we would be up for that. Of course just wanting to get out of the house and hang out with another couple I was down for anything. From the name "Amazing Jump" it would probably easy to assume this story would not end well for me.

Kelly messaged me before hand and told me to wear work out clothes and tennis shoes... after googling what those two items were, I searched through the back of my closet and found my pair of tennis shoes that haven't seen light since Seth tried to go on a "walk" with me. Seth definition of walk and my definiton of walk is apparenlty 2 miles in difference.

We finally arrived to Amazing Jump, a warehouse with wall-to-wall trampolines (literally WALL TO WALL). I immediately notice we are the oldest people in there by about 15 years. I look around for the "How to Catch a Predator" cameras but surprisingly none to be found. Well, I am here... Let's Jump!

I start out with a few baby jumps. It doesn't take long for my husband to begin showing off. Apparently in his life before marriage he worked for cirque of soleil. I had no idea I human could flip like that, let alone my husband. I then start noticing EVERYONE is doing flips, and by everyone I mean even this chunky little nugget who had nothing else going for her was flipping around like she was in a no gravity tank. It was like she was taunting me.

My parents always warned me of peer pressure... never really thought it would apply to a trampoline situation. I just really wanted to fit in... I mean all the cool kids, even the fat litte kid was doing it why couldn't I. Well looking back, there were MANY reasons why I couldn't. Oh about 24 years worth of reason why I couldn't. Did I listen... No... call me a dreamer but by golly I was doing a dang flip.

My husband was just cheering me on the entire time, saying you just have to think you can do it and you can. I should have known right then it would never work. I mean seriously how many times have I thought I could fit into a size 4 dress... yet some how I don't have anyone of those in my closet... no apparently that theory is BUSTED!

Now I am not a complete fool. I did a test run with a front flip. I did ONE front flip, landed on my butt and by that time my adreniline had kicked in enough to make up for 24 years of non athleticness. I was going for it. I did a few jumps to get some momentum... Said to myself... It's only a backflip... and I went for it...

Well from what the onlookers say, I did pretty good until the part where my feet left the trampoline and I got into the air... then after that I just ended up catching myself... with my neck.

It hurt... Oh it hurt like hell. Not only did I feel like my spine cracked in two, I bite my tongue and I got a mean trampoline burn. I mean I was hurt... I was hurt bad. But you better believe I popped up real quick... I mean seriously this was the FIRST time we were hanging out with our new friends.. I couldn't let them know I literally thought I just broke my back on a trampoline fun house. We had only been there for FIFTEEN MINUTES... They would never want to hang out with us again.

I don't even think Seth knew how hurt I was, I just kept playing it off and just kept saying "Ehh I don't feel like jumping anymore." It wasn't until Josh and Kelly were long gone and Seth and I were in the car did I scream out in pain... DEAR GOD I THINK I BROKE MY BACK!!!

I was already hurting, but the next day I woke up stiff as a board. I could barely move. So like many of my daring adventures gone wrong, I ended up in the E.R. It was a little embarrasing telling the doctor how I hurt my back... Oh well you see doc, I went to a trampoline warehouse and tried to do a flip... and the doctor was probably looking at my chart thinking how old is this girl again.

Luckily I didn't break anything, just apparently jammed a few ribs, bruised the bone, and got a case of whiplash. AWESOME!

So was a backflip on a trampoline a good idea for me... probably not. Should I have let a chunky little girl with apparently God-given aerobatic skills make me feel ashamed... no. Will my future children ever have a trampoline... HECK NO.

Sometimes I feel I couldn't make my life up even if I tried. My back is still hurt. This was over a month ago and I am still going to the chiropractor. Sure, I should have listened to my 24 years of failed attempts at anything athletic... but I can't help but be proud of that little dreamer inside me that just said do it. And as for that little chucky circus freak probably still flipping around...You may have won the battle... but I'll win the war.

As for Josh and Kelly... We are still friends... So it was a Win/Lose situation. A win for the friends and a lose for the back... but hey gotta take the good with the bad right. They were worth it :)

-Kels

Put It On My Tab!

Since I can remember I have been what I like to call a "mouth breather". I view my nose like I view decorative pillows on a bed... they really serve no purpose but they look cute. My nose basically sits on my face... like a piece of play-doh God delicately placed on my face and then accidently squashed in. I always assumed this was normal... you know... everyone just breathing out of their mouth... 100% of the time. Well apparently its not.

I recently had an MRI done for my chronic migraines (just another joy of my genetic make up I am blessed with)... all came out great... they found out I had a brain... GREAT NEWS (I know my parents questioned this fact many times during my teenage years). But the results of my MRI did discover...not one but two polyps just chilling in my nasal cavaity with no cares of moving any time soon. So the neurologist sent me over to the great people of the Ear Thoat and Nose Specialist of San Antonio.

So apparently the ETN doctors may know whats up with peoples facial cavities but not so much on how to accommodate waiting patients. First off... I am pretty sure every single magazine in there was circa 2007... give me a break... if I wanted to read a history book I would go to a library... and second... I am not to fond of children. Which that statement might sound a little harsh and broad at first but when I am sitting in a doctors waiting room I cant always help but to think they should hand out leashes at the door. I mean seriously who knows what kind of airborne illness your little nugget is rocking... obviously I am breathing out of a hole that is like 90% bigger than what everyone is so I am probably about 90% more likely to catch their gunk. I don't need your little chubacabra all up in my grill with snot running down there nose and them trying to hand me cherrios.

When I FINALLY got back to the doctors office... the real fun began. Now not being one to partake in recreational drugs as a teen I am not to fond of have liquid shot up my nose. The sensation not only made me sneeze ALL over myself but apparently the numbing sensation effect it was meant to have didn't quite work well on me so when the doctor "gently" placed the scope down my nose I felt every single twist and turn. At this point all I cold think was "Thank God I am a mouth breather or else I would be suffacating right now... how I am supposed to breath with this crap in my nose."

This may sound weird, but I love with doctors find something wrong with me (at this point its like a "put on my tab" kinda feeling)... It is never the common cold, or a slight infection, it is always something quote "impressive". I can't quite feel a little pride at being the best at being bad (in the health sense). I feel like I am the girl the doctors like to see... the one that shakes things up. They look at me with envy and think "Dang, that girl has some impressive polyps." Sure I may not be able to run more than a mile... or heck even a mile without killing over like a fish out of water... but you better believe I can rock a mean mass in my nasal cavity.

 Now sure, I was blessed with some "visable" disablities.... you know the five head, the crooked knees, the extremely high butt crack. But nose polyps... no one can see those. Well...apparently you can hear them. My family is constantly making fun of the way I talk. I believe the most common statement is that I sound like my tongue is too large for my mouth, or my personal favorite like Don Vito of Viva La Bam. I have recently come to learn the polyps have actually interfered with my speech... again.. put it on my tab

I actually have the joy of adding another unique trait to the list. This trait did not take a test, a scan, or a diagnosis to figure out. Nope. The doctor took one look at me and said, "You my lady, look like an allergic kid." I thought to myself, how did he know. I immediately checked my nose for a booger hanging out or to see if my eyes were watering. No sign of any liquid... What was it? Apparently this doctor see the history of being an overweight asthmatic child in my eyes. He could see all the windy spring days you would find me standing at the glass door like a puppy waiting for his master to come up, just yearning to go out and play. On the time I had to leave a camping trip early because I tree was in season... come on. This guy was good.

So whats the cure for these little rocks blocking my nose from knowing the feeling of air rushing through my two nose holes or knowing the feeling of what is like to go outside in the spring without waterproof mascara on. Well the first step will be allergy testing... which I am sure I can save a lot money and just tell the tester all of them, but I will take them just for kicks. Then once the allergies are figured out, the allergy shots will begin. Later down the road there may be surgery. But until then, and until I part with my two polyps... I shall embrace them for what they are, a part of me and there is really nothing more to add but to say is put it on my tab... and thank God for good health insurance :)

- Kels

It Ain't Easy Being Wheezy!!!

Lately I have had time to do a lot of reading... on Facebook... I know what your thinking... Facebook doesn't count... but in my world the only book I read is Facebook (well except the Bible... Shout out to my Savior.. WHAT UP!) Anyway I have been noticing tons of people are getting sick... everything from sore throats to tummy aches... No fun... 

All these "ailments" got me thinking of my illnesses I have endured in my 23 years and how they have made me who I am today. You see I may have been blessed with a "FIVE" head (Yes.. you read that right... My forehead is so large it takes five fingers to cover it... thus the "five"head was created) or even a nose that has no true practical use which as led me to become a mouth breather out of pure survival need. But the one thing I did not receive was a the gift of a great immune system.

I have Asthma. I know most of you actually picture a partially overweight kid sitting on the sidelines sucking on an inhaler, breathing like a pug when you think Asthmatic 7 year old Kelsey and for the most part you are correct. Except in my case I was lucky enough to be raised in beautiful West Texas where the wind and dust stir up the fun things like Black Lung and Tuberculosis so I was always found "chillin" with the older kids in my mother's classroom. See I couldn't "play" outside in the wind because about 10 minutes into it I would be laying on the ground gasping for air like a fat little fish out of water. Nemo had his special fin... I guess I had my special lung...

Now don't let this Asthma thing fool you... I was like the coolest wheezing kid around... I had a sweet inhaler, a portable breathing machine and my mom even took me to Dillard's one time to find a sweet cosmetic bag for the meds... ya.. jealous yet?

The time I got to spend inside with those pre-pubescent years led me to who I am today... I developed an unnatural love affair with school supplies and organization (yes I do obsessively buy storage magazines and yes I would probably need an inhaler if I walked into a container store), I   totally was able to find the "snack drawer" Mrs. Leventhal hid (hello childhood obesity) and most importantly I had time to develop my sense of humor. Ya that's right... when all the other "athletic" kids were outside practicing those kick-ball skills I was inside working on my sweet jokes.

My health history isn't just limited to my asthma experiences... I have been blessed numerous times... I can't forget the time I was pushed out of the back of truck into an ant-bed and broke my arm... or the time I went in to get a shot for the common cold and was called 45 minutes later by the doctor himself to say "Ughh sorry Ms. Carlile we had a mix up with your chart... I am going to need you to come in and get an Epi-Pen because you may or may not go into anaphylactic shock shortly!" AHHH GOOD TIMES!

You see when you live in my world... any illness can turn into something BIG... when everyone else gets the flu... Your girl gets Mad Cow Disease. When everyone else gets a sunburn that peels in a few days... I have an allergic reaction to the sun resulting in SECOND-DEGREE Burns (ex. Family Camping Trip of 2010). The list goes on and on... You name... I have probably had it... Toothpick in the belly that went unnoticed by my mother for years... CHECK... An arm broken while walking around in my mother's heels that I had to make a makeshift bandage for... CHECK... 

4 dry-sockets after my wisdom teeth removal after being prescribed medication that landed me in the ER... CHECK...

I am a lucky girl... what can I say. As for all of my Facebook friends that have fallen ill... sorry and I hope you feel better soon... but look at the bright side... you could always have a chunk of skin ripped off by an industrial grade sticker that results in a staph infection on your face...

So until then... go get some Ny-Quil, curl up in a snuggie and read my blog... They always say Laughter is the Best Medicine and I can a test to that... It has cured me so far :)

This is Mrs. Stell saying "It ain't easy being wheezy!"

Robbed at Birth!

If you know me, or have ever heard me tell a story you have probably heard "I WAS ROBBED" come out of my mouth a few hundred times. Now I have never been truly "robbed" by a large man with a ski mask (although my iPhone was jacked from my purse the first week I bought it... Son of a...) but  anyway... to understand my "I WAS ROBBED" outlook on life I am going to take you back to the very beginning... (Cue Cheesy "Drifitng Back" music and some soft of wave effect)

It all started on March 22, 1987. You see I wasn't really supposed to be born that day, but my mom thought it would be "sweet" if I was born the day my Great-Great Grandmother turned 100. (So please note... that before I even came out of the womb I was already having to share something... in this case not only "MY" birthdate but the spotlight... the woman turned 100 for crying out loud... how do you compete with that.) 

Hearing all this "in utero" I probably was a bit pissed and already a tad bit dramatic so what did I do to teach my parents a lesson... ohh what any baby robbed of the spotlight would do... I pulled my my umbilical cord and wrapped it real tight around my neck. 

Turns out that wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do seconds before I had to take my first breath as a human because I came out all blue and not breathing which then led to the doctors telling my father to turn off the video camera. GREAT... the "Pilot Episode" of my life gets cut because my grand idea to prank everyone went horribly wrong.

After giving everyone a good scare... I survived and thus began the pre pages of the life story of Kelsey Lynn Carlile.

Now from the infancy to now I have been blessed with a few distinctive qualities. Sure everyone has them... Kim K has her butt, Angie has her lips... But yours truly was blessed with a bounty of  distinctive traits.

Lets start from the top, some women have earned the label "top heavy" because of there large upper-chest, in my world I earned the "top heavy" title by having an extremely large, baby genius sized head. I like to think it is because I am just so smart I needed to have extra room for my brain but in all seriousness my parents really should have gotten that thing checked. Which leads to something my parents overlooked...my face.

I have this uncanny ability to have my face go on "screensaver" mode where I look partially mentally challenged. Which has now affected my life because I can not have any "candid" pictures taken of me... (Ya those are always fun to be tagged in on Facebook)

Moving on... another blessing God bestowed my body with at birth was "crazy legs". My mother has told me that my legs where "always" in a frog-like position when I was little that she had to put diapers around my legs to keep them straight... fast forward 20 something years and you know have a woman with legs that looked like they have been switched. Sure I can do mean stanky leg... but trying to find skinny jeans that "accentuate" the curve... GOOD LUCK.

The list goes on and on... I have everything from a crooked Dick Cheany smile to an extremely high butt crack... Sure I may have been dealt the "scraps" of the gene pool but I think I have grown into my looks and now I get to share all of these blessings with you.

Finishing up this post, I hope my "I WAS ROBBED" mentality is catching on with all you readers... which I sure will be only a handful but I have always said "more than a handfull is a waste"... I was usually referring to the small breast I was blessed with but I feel the same advice lends itself to my blog too.

:) Until next time... This is Mrs. Stell signing off.